that over the last several years I have had a hard time understanding or fully grasping.
Am I in control of my life? What does it mean to be in control? Why don’t I feel in control? If I’m not in control, who is?
There have time times in my life when I’ve felt like I’ve lost control of how I am and what or whom I was becoming. I am not myself but something else entirely, a shadow or a cast of myself watching me doing things as a prestidigitator pulling the strings on something foreign. There’s something in my brain that cannot compute that my actions are a result of my capability and a reflection of my wants and needs. But sometimes I just don’t feel like it’s me. Sometimes I feel like I’m a cog in a machine just doing its job and going through the motion. Sometimes I feel like the ebbs and flows of life push and pull me from one anxious moment to the next. Sometimes I feel like my decision aren’t good enough so I should allow other people to make them for me and sometimes I feel like maybe I, myself, aren’t good enough to make decisions so I just go with the flow.
There’s an old quote I saw on Tumblr (yes, Tumblr) many, many years ago that said, “Go with the flow or get dragged.” Somehow I let that phrase sort of seep into my reality that if I didn’t go with what other people wanted, if I didn’t allow other people control over me I would be dragged into doing it anyway, forcefully.
I was wrong.
I’m not talking about anything nefarious or explicit here but just those little daily life decisions that have an impact on you and your feeling of agency. Well, that’s how it starts off at least, little things here and there but then, as everything in the world does, it evolves. And the patterns I make to self-soothe become ingrained as they are applied to more things, bigger things.
I struggle with finding confidence in myself. I’ve been open about this much more lately, and I actually don’t know why. I guess I figure if I expose my vulnerabilities maybe I can turn them into strengths. Maybe? I don’t know. Maybe if I’m more conscious of it I have correct or feel differently about it.
My confidence, or lack thereof, definitely places an important role in how I view who is in control of my life. There are times when I get in my head about it and I don’t feel like I should be in control because of some of the past decisions I’ve made that I now regret tremendously. Now, I’m not trying to avoid responsibility for my actions here. I completely understand and take accountability for the mistakes I’ve made. What I mean by saying I don’t feel like I’m in control is that I felt like I was compelled to do things I didn’t want to do because of internal and external pressure from friends, family, society, relationships and my issue with my confidence.
Sometimes I do feel in control. When I think about when this happens the most, I think it is with work. I’m more confidently professionally than I am personally. I feel much more at the helm of what is happening at work because there I don’t have the same relationship with my colleagues as I do with my friends and family. There’s more distance there which I think is a good thing. I’ve done well in certain positions because I know it’s my passion and I want to be successful so badly. But even that’s not all the time and I feel like there are times when I struggle professionally too.
I guess I should have prefaced this post by saying I’m not a control freak but then again no one is going to read this except me and I’m trying to justify myself to myself which I don’t think I really need to do.
Anyway.
I know I can’t control everything that happens in my life. But I can control how I chose to respond to those things. I can choose what to do about the things I can’t control and I need to learn how to trust myself again.
Ugh, is this healing? Why is it so fucking difficult sometimes?
I can say no to things I don’t want to do. I don’t have to go with the flow or get dragged. I can make my own waves and set my own course because I am good enough on my own. I am.
I just need to remember that more often.
Oh God, am I going to turn into one of those people who have encouraging posters or cringe post-it notes that say “believe in yourself” or '“you can do it”. Maybe, actually. Maybe that’s what I need. Maybe those people needed it too and it’s not so much of a bad (or cringe) thing. Maybe this is actually healing.
I have to be kinder to myself. I have to be patient with myself and I have to remember to breathe. But I am in control of those things and that is something I can do.